Is my giving from generosity or from fear?
Sounds kind of harsh I know, but I have been taking a cold hard look at myself, so please, stay with me.
I have been realizing how much growth I am in need of to be able:
🔹 to locate clearly and
🔹 then ask for directly
🔹 what I need and
🔹 what I want
………without fear or trepidation.
I am doing some deep soul work with my coach (yes, I get and pay for coaching too, and have for a while)…because it works because I need to invest in myself.
My marriage, family, health (mental and physical), and others I get to serve in LYV depend on it. I too need support and must grow.
This work right now is related to my lack of learning some skills as a child, then only to be reinforced by societal and organizational norms and my own inner critic that
⏺ to ask is selfish
⏺ which leads to guilt
⏺ then insecurity
I share this vulnerable work with you because I know I am not alone. I know this may or may not be you, but if there is even a chance that it is, I am willing to share what I am learning.
This work has led me to look into my own deeper motivations for when and why I give.
Q: Do I freely give because I am being generous?
OR
Q: Do I give because I am afraid?
I know I want to be generous and I do believe I try to be regularly, but some of what I have given, I have come to realize is just because I am afraid.
Afraid of what? It is easier for me to say “yes” than “no”. I do not like sitting in the discomfort that comes from the tension even at the thought of disappointing another or making it hard in any way for another.
I get great joy out of making others’ lives easier and better. But sometimes that is not by saying yes, because it is not what is best for them.
Ugh…my giving at times is so self-serving…meaning it makes me feel good, and even then, but only temporarily.
Even as I’m writing this, I am so mad at myself, not in a permanent self-deprecating way, but in a way that something must change.
Thank God I have been working on living by my strengths because I can use my strengths to help me handle more truth which then can foster more growth.
If I hadn’t, I would not be able to handle the growth because I couldn’t handle the truth.
“The degree to which a person can grow is directly proportional to the measure of truth they can handle without running away.” – Leland Val Van DeWall
Please pray for me as I continue to thank God and pray for you.
I want my giving to be from faith and generosity, not fear or self-centeredness. Ah, the lessons we learn as we commit to a life of growth with God.
Thank you for joining me on this beautiful, but not easy journey.
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